The Things I Carry

Check your pockets (if you have them). What's in there? If you died mysteriously right now, what might the police conclude about you after rooting through your things? Maybe because of the preponderance of crime shows on television, I spend an absurd amount of time thinking about this.

Also, I'm talking specifically pockets here, not purses, man-bags, or clutches because it seems that things we keep in our pockets fall into two categories: precious things we want to make sure we have easy, unfettered access to; and tiny random crap. 

This is what I regularly find in my pockets, usually after accidentally running it through the laundry:

• tissues
• paper clips
• dog treats
• multivitamins

And this is what I fear a detective would conclude when he or she happened upon my tragically beautiful corpse vs. what these things actually mean about me:

Tissues 

Detective:            Victim was ill or cold-weather sensitive, possibly a hypochondriac.

Actually:              Victim was trying to be a goddamn adult for once and have her own tissues 

                               instead of always asking other people (her mom) for them. Definitely a  

                               hypochondriac—once convinced herself she had a collapsed lung. She didn't.

Paper clips

Detective:            Victim was organized, a little OCD.

Actually:              Victim was organized, a little OCD. Also a teacher.

Dog Treats

Detective:            Victim owned a dog.

Actually:              Victim owned a highly food-driven and cutest, best-ever dog whom she loved 

                               very much so that's why she got the healthy, organic dog treats and why she 

                               hired a dog trainer who advised her to have treats in her pockets at all times so 

                               she could keep her amazing dog focused and mentally stimulated on walks. 

Multivitamins

Detective:            Victim was health-conscious, trying to supplement her diet. Hypochondriac 

                               profile more likely.

Actually:              Victim was a de facto vegan and needed all the B12 she could get. Had expensive 

                               pee.

For the record, I consider all these things precious. My precious. 

SO, if I do meet an untimely death—with full pockets—the truth about me is right here, detective! Come to my blog to find it.